Film Review - Moana 2

A deeply average sequel, doubtless decreed into being by algorithmic instruction

Credit: Disney

In the seventh millennium of time, it came to pass that the Priests of Disney did call upon the Almighty Algorithm, asking from whence would come their next great profit. “Oh, Mighty One, tell us what cash cow we might milk!” they cried, prostrating themselves in sackcloth and ashes, for annual profits had been down, and there had been much wailing and gnashing of teeth in shareholder meetings.

And lo! In its great beneficence, the Almighty Algorithm did answer, saying unto the Priests of Disney: “Send for animation directors David G Derrick Jr, Jason Hand, and Dana Ledoux Miller, and have them oversee an army of underpaid minions to rehash Moana (2016), using similar plot points, fewer laughs, and unmemorable songs.” And the Priests of Disney did as the Almighty Algorithm commanded. Though originally intended as a streaming series, Moana 2 was retooled for cinema release. And there was much excitement among the board members, shareholders, and corporate executives, as they anticipated a return to greater profitability, and that all-important Christmas bonus.

Yet some among the populace questioned the wisdom of the Priests of Disney, stating: “Will not the critics see through the transparent lack of artistic reason to create a Moana sequel? Will they not condemn those responsible for their cynical actions?” And there was mumbling among the Priests of Disney, for they feared the venom that would be forthcoming in reviews. But the Almighty Algorithm quelled their fears, stating: “No one gives twin defecations about what critics say, least of all the target audience of a film like Moana 2. They are suckers for marketing, brainwashed into parting with their hard-earned cash regardless of whether superior family-friendly fare such as The Wild Robot and Wicked: Part I are presently in cinemas as alternatives.”

“But how will you protect us from Simon Dillon?” The Priests persisted, remembering that he had given damning notices to Wish (2023), Strange World (2022), and even Encanto (2021) in recent years. “What if he claims the film feels AI-generated? Why did we have to tell the world we were going in that direction!”

The Almighty Algorithm again reassured them. “Fear not. We will say he’s a grumpy middle-aged man who isn’t the target audience, despite his love for many classic Disney animated features of yesteryear, before I, the Almighty Algorithm, came to deliver you from the scourge of artistic integrity. Moreover, we’ll make the film just good enough, so he can’t say it’s terrible. The animation will be opulent, eye-popping, and technically excellent. The newer crew members on Moana’s break-evil-god’s-curse wayfarer voyage will be amusing (though obviously, they’d have been explored more fully in TV form). The learning-to-work-together and importance-of-international-relations themes will be just the right shade of thuddingly obvious.

“By a narrow margin, there will be enough charm to meet low expectations, thus reinforcing the idea that expectations should never be high. We will make it impossible for him to report that the film is objectively bad, thus robbing him of the pleasures of writing a scathing review. Instead, he’ll be forced to admit through gritted teeth that it is average; perfectly passable, with at least a couple of semi-decent action set pieces in the second half.

“He will have no choice but to admit the vocal performances — by Auli’i Cravalho, Dwayne Johnson, Hualalai Chung, Rose Matafeo, David Fane, Awhimai Fraser, Khaleesi Lambert-Tsuda, Temuera Morrison, Nicole Scherzinger, and various others — are perfectly adequate. He won’t be able to say there is anything wrong with the film, beyond the fact that it is entirely superfluous to requirements. He’ll say the plot lacks any dramatic heft or genuine sense of danger (despite a few cool-looking monsters and a climactic storm) due to the lack of a well-motivated antagonist, not to mention deus ex machina ghostly ancestors and watery tentacles borrowed from The Abyss (1989). But who cares? That can easily be rebutted with something vague about him not understanding Polynesian culture and mythology. That’ll shut him up because he won’t want to appear ignorant.”

And the Priests of Disney did rejoice at the success of Moana 2 and feast upon the profits pertaining thereto. For once again, mediocrity had triumphed, making Moana 3 all but inevitable. As for Simon Dillon, his review reflected all that the Almighty Algorithm had said it would, dissuading no one from attending and providing none of the satisfaction that comes with reporting either a praiseworthy film or a dreadful one.

(Originally published at Medium.)

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